Why You Need Self Love for Relationship Success

“You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection”. — Buddha, self love quote

We often hear self-help gurus like Deepak Chopra telling us you cannot truly love someone else until you love yourself.

What if you could work to grow this seemingly intangible, ethereal “self love”, and that doing so could totally upgrade your life fulfilment, prosperity, the quality of your relationships — and more?

Up until a few years ago, I was unknowingly running on self love fumes — thinking my internal love and acceptance tank had to be filled by validation from other people. I was what you might call an over-giver, or the “Rescuer” archetype in Karpman’s Drama Triangle: loving being all up in other people’s business; taking responsibility for “fixing” their problems; super-affectionate to the point of clinginess; and subconsciously hoping to feel loved in return.

Then one day — after talking to a wise friend — it hit me:

My heart’s “cup” needed to be full of my self love, then my love “overflow” could go to others. Otherwise I would be loving from a place of wanting to be loved, in order to fill the empty space I felt inside.

Since this realization, I can love those around me from a more solid emotional ground: it starts with loving yourself.

What does self love mean?

Self love can be defined as: “an appreciation of one’s own worth or virtue”; “proper regard for and attention to one’s own happiness or well-being”; or “inflated love of or pride in oneself”. Here I’m talking about the first two definitions, rather than the egotistic (but often assumed) latter one.

When our self-worth is high and we give regard to our own happiness and well-being; we can show up in relationships from a full-hearted place. This is instead of loving others from a place of emptiness; hurt; or an insatiable need for love (or closing off our hearts all together). We don’t take things as personally; we judge others less; and our “ok-ness” doesn’t depend (or co-depend) on other people. We actually love more selflessly because we know someone (ourselves) already has our back and our hearts feel full. There is no need to grasp for love; and we can focus on loving others from a clearer place.

When we don’t really love ourselves, it doesn’t matter how much admiration we receive from those around us . We still feel a deep sense of lack inside.

The only opinion of you that your self-worth really depends on, is in fact your own.

As I’ve worked on loving myself more, the relationships I attract are totally different to the ones I used to. I have friendships and a romantic relationship where we both love pretty equally; from a non-co-dependent place.

To start off with, many of us naturally find it easier to love or give to someone we care about than to ourselves. With this in mind, here are some techniques I’ve practiced that can work to get going on your self love journey:

1. Imagine you are your own best friend

Turn down that negative self talk: we are often far harder on ourselves than we would be on anyone else. If your friend made an honest mistake, would you say “Ugh, you are such an idiot!”, or smile compassionately and give them comforting words or a hug?

One of the best ways to grow your self love is to start noticing and then reducing your negative self talk. For example, the silent berating you give yourself when you accidentally drop a glass; say the “wrong” thing; or even simply notice a wrinkle in the mirror. Sometimes it’s impossible to live up to the standards of perfection we unfairly place on ourselves (which we would never require from those around us);  we’re human after all. As a young woman, I would habitually compare myself to the most beautiful, kind, successful, intelligent people around; even though they were usually each traits of different people. I’d feel bad for not being 10/10 for all of those things (thanks marketing and social media!).

A great way to observe the kinds of thoughts you have with less judgement is to develop a regular meditation practice; with an app like Insight Timer. Taking quiet time and space to yourself to meditate can help you calmly notice general thoughts instead of subconsciously buying into or feeling a need to react to them. Notice if you’re being too hard on yourself, but don’t judge yourself for it. Michael A. Singer’s modern classic book “The Untethered Soul” is full of beautifully-written insights on being a mind-observer.

If you recognize any negative self-talk patterns 

This is totally normal, our minds have a negativity bias after all. To help turn things around:

• You might remind yourself “I wouldn’t say that to a friend”;
• Swap it out for a positive affirmation like “I love you” or “I am everything I need” instead;
• Notice when you receive compliments, which ones feel best in your heart— maybe someone telling you you’re a good friend; great at your job or talented in an area of life. Write these down as affirmations, place them somewhere you see often (like your phone wallpaper or next to your bed) and repeat them in your mind to remind you of your favorite strengths. Once they feel obvious or normalized to you, change them to a new one.
• You could also regularly take note of what you are grateful for —by either mentally listing or by writing down 3–5 positive things about yourself.

Gradually your thoughts may become more present and less negative as you meditate, notice and transform them. Negative thoughts will still come up, but hopefully less often, and their ridiculously over-critical nature may even become amusing to observe!

2. Self love as you want to be loved by a partner

Not only can this help build your self love; but it can directly improve the kind of partners you attract and date. You learn to love yourself how you like to be loved; and not to accept less from a partner. You can tailor this to whichever of the “Five Love Languages” you respond to most. The best selling book by Gary Chapman suggests we all like giving and receiving love in five different ways: spending quality time; words of affirmations; physical touch; acts of service; and giving gifts.

It can be useful to learn to give ourselves love in ways we respond to best,

So, if:

• You enjoy quality time as a love language; make yourself feel special by taking yourself on “dates”. Maybe dress in a way that makes you feel beautiful and comfortable; and go somewhere you might enjoy going to with a partner. You could take a good book to a beautiful café; visit an art gallery; or take a short break to a city you’ve always wanted to visit. Make sure you regularly partake in hobbies and activities that feel fun and/or nourishing to you so that you spend quality time with yourself.
• Words of affirmation feel important; try telling yourself “I love you” out loud every night before you go to sleep. At first it might feel weird and you could find it hard to really mean it. You may start noticing a change in how you feel when you say it. As before, saying affirmations to counteract any negative self-talk when you wake up, such as “I am enough / beautiful / successful / loving / worthy of love, and grateful to wake up to start a new day” — can be powerful to boost our self worth. Keeping a notebook list of compliments you receive; and one about what you love (or just like) about yourself; can also build self love.
• They boost your mood, buy yourself gifts like flowers, something beautiful for your home or jewelry to adorn yourself with. We can gift ourselves healing or refreshing new ideas about life by treating ourselves to educational or personal development books; courses; coaching; or an experience on our “bucket list”; to understand ourselves better and boost our self esteem. A romantic relationship can be a great opportunity for personal growth; but we don’t have to be in one to develop ourselves.
• Physical touch is important to you; book a massage or another relaxing treatment where you receive touch. You can also give yourself a massage every night before you go to bed with a lotion you love the smell of; or a nice bath if you have one; to calm down before you sleep. Spending time with other people who enjoy hugs and other forms of touch can boost us too. If you don’t have a dog yourself, you can even try Borrow My Doggy to find part-time puppy cuddles from. There are so many benefits from spending time with a furry friend.
• To give yourself loving acts of service, you could focus on improving your diet by learning to make a few new healthy meals for yourself that you love. Prioritizing sleep and rest so that you feel refreshed for the day can also massively improve your headspace. Making time to practice meditation can also be an act of service for yourself. Looking after your home, and making it a place of sanctuary from busy life, can also be a wonderful act to do for yourself. check out Marie Kondo’s “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying” method here.

3. Self love like your own parent

• Visualizing your inner child is a popular, powerful psychology technique, where you imagine yourself as a child and send them (yourself) love. You could keep a picture of yourself as a child somewhere you can see it often; such as on a shelf or in your wallet. When you feel antsy, agitated, sad or another difficult feeling; see that picture and ask your inner child what she or he wants and needs. Sometimes when we seem to respond disproportionately or irrationally in our adult lives; it can be because our inner child feels unheard or unseen due to something not fully processed from the past. It can also feel easier to be compassionate to the childhood version of ourselves. Visualizing your adult self hugging or listening to your inner child can be a powerful way to let yourself know you are really there for you; and help us meet the needs that our parents may not have met for us as children for ourselves.
• Like a parent often wants for their child, it’s useful to be mindful about who you spend your time and energy with. Notice how people around you make you feel, and prioritize those who are inspiring, energizing and loving. Practice feeling safe asking for what you want, setting boundaries and saying no when something doesn’t feel right for you. Imagine the “baby you” if it helps you lovingly stand up for yourself.
• In an always-on world, it’s also important to make sure you are kind to yourself and take breaks. Switch off your phone an hour before you sleep, go for walks without it, and take real time off in the evenings or weekends — don’t feel bad about it either! Taking regular breaks and building routine has in fact been shown to boost our productivity, as well as being an important form of self love and care.
• Playtime is important for adults too. Start noticing what really brings you joy and do more of it. Ideally do something that feels fun every day, whether that’s speaking to an uplifting friend or dancing to your favorite song every morning.
• Doing good deeds for other people is not just altruistic, but can boost our own well-being and self esteem. Like volunteering, when you notice yourself admiring someone else’s qualities or actions, think of small steps you could take to emulate them in your own life. This will help you admire more of your own qualities too (the opposite to when we knowingly do something wrong, which can affect our self-respect and esteem).

From a universal love perspective

If you believe in God, the universe or some other awesome higher power, just the fact that you are here, in your body (reading this article), might help you realize how loved and worthy you are. Noticing how people around you show up for you every day — how a barista makes you a tasty coffee; your delivery man gives you your mail; or how an architect built your house to stand safely — shows you how loved and supported we all are, even when it doesn’t feel like it.

Spending time in nature and realizing you are a living part of that beautiful, powerful force can also help you love and accept yourself more. Just as we might see a tree, a puppy or a river without thinking they need to be (respectively) greener, fluffier or faster flowing, to be acceptable, start to see yourself as a fellow beautiful facet of nature — astounding, mystical and deserving of love.

So, ,make sure you give yourself some love and enjoy really feeling it. It can be a source of true happiness in itself; and can make you a better lover, friend and relative for those around you too.

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Thanks for reading. If you have any comments or questions please comment below, or contact me here.